Pretty mundane week in the world of sports. Stephon Marbury decided to continue his career in China where no one can understand the crazy things he says and Lebron James decided to make a splash with some Vegas debauchery complete with scantily clad waitresses along with some classic douchery when he flipped off a radio DJ from Akron for no apparent reason. The King’s middle finger wasn’t included on ESPNLA’s story but rather on a Cleveland station’s news report.
From the article, which was taken down by ESPN, but can be read here it appears Maverick Carter, not William Wesley is Lebron’s handler. The 28 year old Carter is the Doogie Howser of NBA agents. James’ infamous one-hour special, “The Decision,” was reportedly the brainchild of Carter, a 28-year-old who has never managed anyone outside of his friend James. This three-day party marathon in Vegas (which James is being paid six figures to host) is also Carter’s idea.
To make matters worse, Lebron hosted what can only be referred to as a tea party. Here’s one choice excerpt.
The waiter bringing him his cup of green tea with a spoonful of honey and a dash of lemon juice makes the cut.
In 2016, this weekend will be remembered as the moment Lebron James decided to finish his career with the NBA’s new “Vegas Kings” franchise tagging alongside John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins.
In nearby Southern Cal, Lane Kiffin’s biggest recruit this month wasn’t a middle school quarterback. Instead he victimized the state of Tennessee one more time by poaching the Titans of their running backs coach. At some point, as the state of Tennessee you’ve got to look in the mirror and ask yourself, “If a coach at the highest level in the land whose sole responsibility is Chris Johnson jumps on the first plane to coach college kids on probation in Southern California- why am I still in the “Volunteer State? Who volunteers to come here? Our candidate for mayor is getting contacted by Jimmy Kimmel because of his senility. (This guy– Trust me watch this video. It’s worth it.) I mean, they’ve got palm trees and paved roads. We can’t –just can’t compare.” The great Tennessee country music band, Rascal Flatts once penned a song called “Life is a Highway”. Maybe you should pack up and take that highway somewhere nicer–like Arkansas.
In return, the Titans sued Kiffin for ‘maliciously stealing an assistant coach. However, if Kiffin really wanted to make a splash he would have lured Jeremiah Masoli to transfer to his home state. Masoli is the only guy in college football who knows more about theft than Coach Kiffin. (Also ex-NFL analyist Jeremy Green could lend his eyes to assist the middle school recruiting trail)
On the eve of X Games 16, Rick Pitino treated one unlucky jury to details of a XXX tale of sex, money and mayhem which originally came to light last year when Karen Cunagin Sypher, the wife of Louisville equipment manager Tim Sypher, was arraigned and charged in federal court with extortion in an attempt to blackmail Rick Pitino. Before the 2009 season, Pitino, a married man admitted to having consensual sex with Karen under a restaurant table in 2004 which would have been acceptable at Denny’s but not at a classy restaurant with a name like Porcini’s. The whole scenario sounds like a bizarre re-enactment of the restaurant scenes from Lady & the Tramp and When Harry Met Sally: The Uncut Version(s).
Weeks later, Karen called Pitino and revealed she was pregnant and Pitino suggested repeatedly that she get an abortion.
In court this past week, Pitino was forced to retell his infamous night of restaurant relations with Karen Sypher. According to Karen’s testimony, the entire sexual encounter took less than 15 seconds. Apparently he’s prescribed coaching peer Mike D’Antoni’s up tempo offensive philosophy to his life. Jack McCallum, the author of -07 Seconds or Less, the 2006 Phoenix Suns, should write a book on his exploits- 15 Seconds of Less.
In one fail swoop, Pitino has gone from a coaching hero to Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction and Disclosure. In any case, waitresses across the nation have been put on notice not to acknowledge Pitino when he asks you to warm his spaghetti and meatballs. The entire situation is recounted in whole here.
The only high profile athlete with a higher quantity of negative headlines than Lebron James and Rick Pitino in the off-season has been Washington Redskin’s defensive tackle, Albert Haynesworth. Haynesworth is also being sued by a pregnant stripper claiming he is the father.
He allegedly spent the off-season training in Arizona, however, he should have spent his off-season training with Rick Pitino, or as Jason Whitlock nicknamed him Quicky Ricky and comparing litigation. Pitino would have had him acing Mike Shanahan’s conditioning drills in 15 seconds flat.
Speaking of odd encounter Brett Favre who hasn’t decided whether he’ll wake up in the morning much less whether he’ll return for the 2010 season went on an impromptu armadillo hunting trip with Brad Childress at his ranch. Look, Favre had an impressive career year at 40, but it doesn’t seem wise to give actual bullets to a gunslinger and the NFL’s all-time interception king who has a propensity for misfiring throws at receivers.
Bronco quarterback Tim Tebow has finally signed a five year rookie contract loaded with $22 million in performance incentives. No doubt the veterans will have him buying fish and loaves of bread for the entire roster.
For the second time PacMan Jones and Terrell Owens are teammates. They were also teammates on the Dallas Cowboys in 2008 when their training camp was chronicled by HBO’s Hard Knocks. Fortunately, this time PacMan chose to sign somewhere where there isn’t a strip club on every corner. Unfortunately, they’re a season too late for their second Hard Knocks appearance which rolled through town last season.
However, it’s entirely possible the Bengals could upstage Owens and Ocho Cinco by signing 6’8 free agent tight end Lebron James, who is scheduling a second hour long special, The Decision: Gridiron or Hardwood. Lebron will decide whether to sign with the Bengals or focus strictly on basketball. (It’s no accident the NFL’s best two tightends were college basketball players.)
Unreliable sources indicate Marvin Lewis has also contacted an ex-NFL touchdown boogie coordinator to help Ocho Cinco, King James and T.O. coordinate their end zone celebrations.
On the mound, the Nationals have shut down pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg by placing him on the fifteen day DL, however there is a silent minority who believe this is as much a bad omen as the Madden Curse, M. Knight Shyamalan’s name in the credits, “Matt Millen draft pick”, the phrase “visiting Dr. James Andrews” and tickets for The Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown Reunion Tour.
White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper who spoke to the MLB Network on Sirius XM Radio lends authority to this opinion and SI.com’s Tom Verducci summed it up like this.
As he loads the baseball, his elbows raise higher than his shoulders — forming what pitching coaches call an inverted W — and the back of his shoulders pinch toward one another in the “scalp loading” portion of the delivery. Such a delivery, some pitching coaches believe, puts him at greater risk of shoulder fatigue.
Cooper called it “an upside-down arm action.” One major league pitching coach years ago told me about the exact same concern about Mark Prior — before Prior broke down.
On the positive side at least he didn’t criticize his hitting stance?
I leave you this weekend with DJ Steve Porter’s Press Hop 2, who has finally found a timeless use for autotune.
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