It’s been s hard day’s night  and two days since King James gave Beatles fans a collective heat stroke after a win over the Charlotte Bobcats, where he decreed the beginning of Heatlemania.  I have a couple problems with Lebron including his disturbing habit of speaking in third person and the hubris in knighting himself a captain of the Heatle movement.  Once again, Lebron allowed his superego to overshadow his superteam.

It’s not surprising once you consider Lebron’s career long affinity for celebrity.

Unfortunately, in this context, “The Decision” makes the bland Jim Gray, Ed Sullivan, which has already killed the comparison, stay with me.  (Seriously, has there ever been a more fitting name for a personality than Jim Gray.  He could strap a bomb to his chest in the middle of the Summer Olympics and 4 million people anticipating the gold medal curling match would switch to a rerun of Different Strokes.  Instead of the Beatles landing in JFK Airport in New York, 2009 had Lebron touching down at what appeared to be a ritzy YMCA country club in Connecticut.  I won’t do any direct Beatle to Heatle comparisons but Dwyane Wade is clearly Ringo Starr because of his 2006 NBA championship and Finals MVP.

In addition, these Miami Heat weren’t grown organically like Jordan’s Bulls or Magic’s Lakers.  They’re the NBA equivalent of Diddy’s Making The Band.  Rather than work trades and assemble through the Draft, Pat Riley constructed the Heatles trio and surrounded them with a garage band.  Their final signee Jerry Stackhouse was quickly cut in November and replaced with “Ericka Dampier”, a nickname bestowed upon Dampier by Shaq, while he was leading the Heat to a title half a decade ago.  Oddly enough, the nickname stuck.   Never a good sign for your first big man off the bench.

However, if Lebron is going to align himself with the Beatles, somebody should inform him of their bleak fate.  Once the Beatles reached the apex of their popularity infighting, Yoko Ono, jealousy and egos tore them apart.  The Heatles may seem close now but don’t forget Shaq once labeled Kobe as his little brother.  Needless to say, little brother became estranged just a couple of years later.  One month ago, Eric Spoelstra was a bump into a LeBrick wall to becoming Stuart Sutcliffe, the forgotten member of the Beatles, until Miami ripped off wins in 18 of their next 19 games.

Now that we have a blueprint for their partnership, I can predict their demise.

How They’ll Fall Apart

1. Gabrielle Union/Siovaughn Funches as Yoko Ono

For those who don’t know who Yoko Ono is, she is the woman whom Lennon left his wife and ultimately the Beatles for.  Lately, the NBA specifically, has been full of Yoko Ono’s but I’ll get to that later.

Remember last season when Pat Riley openly criticized Dwyane Wade’s conditioning for his drop in production?  The culprit involved women. Numerous women. Droves of women. After his divorce, Dwyane Wade began living the life of a Rolling Stone.  First there were unsubstantiated accusations by Wade’s former business partner of Wade trying to surpass Wilt Chamberlain’s most infamous off-court scoring record inside the two story apartment used as Wade Global Enterprises headquarters.

The description of Wade’s headquarters sounds like the “free love” van with a mattress in the back that Bill Walton drove on roadtrips or the Lakers locker room in the 80’s.  According to his ex- business partner, Wade would pick up waitresses from the restaurant they co-owned and bring them up to the apartment.  For the sake of all that is “the FDA health inspection”, I hope he waited until their shifts were over but I digress.

NBA wives are wielding more and more power these days.  Led by Shaquille O’Neal’s ex-wife, Shaunie, a roughshod band of ex-wives are leading an unlikely revolution on Vh1.  In 2004, Karl Malone was contemplating re-signing with the Lakers until Vanessa Bryant accused Malone of making a “pass” at her.  Malone promptly retired.  Lebron’s been known to make one too many passes at crucial moments and Dwyane might not appreciate it. (See what I did there?) One of the driving forces behind Carmelo’s push for a trade to the Knicks is his wife/manager Lala.  And who can forget Doug Christie’s walker/wife?   However, Dwyane Wade will ultimately be torn limb from limb by two men.   His ex-wife Siovaughn Funches (whose name could easily be a Fritos flavor) and his alleged celebrity girlfriend/homewrecker Gabrielle Union have even taken their antipathy for one another to the courts…civil courts.

Last year Funches, who would be better served fervently searching for a second husband because of the sheer ridiculousness of her maiden name filed a $50,000 suit against Union for damages related to her children’s emotional distress.

In the suit, Funches claims Union’s “extreme and outrageous conduct” with Wade has caused her oldest son to seek medical treatment for stress and anxiety, as well as develop nervous habits, headaches and hair loss.

I’m especially concerned for this kid because from this early hair loss he sounds like he might be Lebron’s kid.   Just buy him a head band and none of the kids at school will notice.

2. Chris Bosh Invokes George Harrison & Asks For More Creative Input

Bosh’s soft  play at times has inspired a bevy of parodies and jokes from even the most casual fans.  Wade and Lebron call the shots in Miami and Chris Bosh carries the tray.  The story goes that George Harrison was allegedly annoyed at one point because enough of his songs weren’t being released.  There could come a similar day in Miami when Bosh demands more halfcourt plays to run through him.

Bosh looks like he’s got a little inner diva in him which could emerge when his sugar gets low. Sadly, Snickers decided not to air the never before seen commercial where Aretha Franklin’s sugar gets hungry and turns into Chris Bosh.  He might seem playful and harmless but Shaquille O’Neal had the same aura six years ago before he forged his path from L.A. to Miami and then Phoenix.  History is cyclical and Bosh will ultimately forge his path in reverse to Los Angeles, a franchise which many forget was allegedly his #1 free agency choice.

3. Lebron As “The King”: Elvis

Like any rock band, members succumb to the trappings of fame and fortune.  For Lebron, parties are his kryptonite.  The man hasn’t been to a city with clubs, a VIP room, a DJ, red carpet and a strobe light he didn’t like.

Miami is the perfect city to sidetrack.  It’s the city whose NFL team has a nightclub in its stadium.  (Nevermind the fact that 90% of their home games will be played at one and four o’clock eastern time on Sunday afternoon).  In the pre-season Kevin Durant turning down an invitation to party with Lebron three weeks ago and his backhanded declaration that he[Durant] doesn’t party the night before games only put King James off court alter ego in a more unfavorable light in basketball circles.  Elvis ultimately ended his career as a chubby shell of his former self and every year Lebron seemingly goes from 240 to 250 to 270 every season.  I’m just saying.

Living in Atlanta, I can tell you personally every single time Lebron and the Cavs visit, there is an after party/   Lebron would attend and promote.  During the 2009 playoffs, Dwayne Wade decreed a no party mandate for his teammates while they were in Atlanta for the first round series.  In the second round, before Game 3 in Atlanta, Lebron reserved all three floors of a Midtown restaurant for 800 of his closest friends.

It makes you wonder whether Lebron is relying too much on his natural ability and whether he’ll retain his advantage over the league’s stars when he’s 30 years old, 6’8, 250 pounds and grounded by gravity.

4. New Hard Cap

This alternative option could completely abolish super trios for the forseeable future and usher in a new era of parity in the League.  Under the current bargaining agreement, franchises can go over the soft cap as long as they pay a tax.  A hard cap would mean the end of NBA polygamy.  A hard cap would virtually put a two superstar limit on each franchise.  Revenue sharing is the NAPSTER scenario for the NBA.  Instead of sharing music, teams will be forced to share franchise players.

5. The Beach Boys-Los Angeles Lakers

One of The Beatles main rivals in the 60’s was a popular rock band from California known as The Beach Boys.  Unlike the Beach Boys, Los Angeles has been basking in the spotlight since Heatlemania was just a glint in Pat Riley’s eye.  The Laker Show currently charted the same rough waters as Miami during their recent 2-4 streak.  Although Kobe’s ego and Artest’s personalities (plural) threaten to rock the Laker’s chemistry as the playoff stretch creep closer, the two-time defending champs will eventually climb the Western Conference charts.

On second thought, you could argue the Heatles are more believable as the South Beach Boys.

6. The New York Knicks Become the Rolling Stones

The Heat haven’t completely cornered the market on trios, as the New York Knicks are waiting in the wings to complete their triumvirate with Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul.  Unlike Miami, which has surprisingly won with hard nosed defense and a slow tempo, the Knicks under Mike D’Antoni play at a typical breakneck speed.  With Chris Paul and Carmelo added to the mix, fans will inevitably get whiplash from the Big Apple’s reincarnation of the Seven Seconds or Less offense, Seven-Tenths of A Second or Less.  Last night, Greg Popovich pulled his starters with 3 minutes to go after his Spurs allowed the most points in 17 years. Minnesota’s Love, the nephew of a Beach Boy has been discussing the possibility of joining forces in Oklahoma City alongside his UCLA teammate Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, the youngest scoring champ in NBA history.

Thirty years after the Beatles split, the Rolling Stones still perform together.  Right now, there’s a small window between the Lakers dynasty, the Celtics and Spurs decline and the Knicks return to championship contention.  If they don’t win a championship by year two of the Heatles invasion, the fans and groupies wi;l lose interest, turn them off and begin following the Knickerbockers.

It is hard to continue development and support for this site without contributions from users like you.  If you enjoy dunsonchecksin.com and find it useful, please consider donating a dollar by clicking on the DONATE button in the side bar to use Paypal, Debit or Credit cards.  Your donation helps encourage the continued development and support of the site. Thanks for your support and continue  “Unlocking your cerebral sportex” at dunsonchecksin.com!