Last night, TNT decided to air a John Q marathon, which would make sense if it were a television series and not a movie–a depressing one at that.  But that’s beside the point.  I was so moved by Denzel Washington’s medical plight, I’ve decided to provide free NFL health care and diagnose the 32 teams around the NFL.  People are always asking me what my nickname, D.J. stands for; so for all intensive purposes, I’d like to introduce you to my alter ego “Dr. J”.

Houston Texans
I was looking at your chart and I noticed that you’re only eight years old.  This isn’t my field of expertise. You need a pigskin pediatrician but I’ll do my best.  I took your temperature and it’s higher than average but that’s ordinary coming from Texas.  That’s why both your teams live in retractable roof domes.  I noticed an irregularity in your rushing numbers.  Looks like your tailback Steve Slaton is coughing up the ball in chunks–and you didn’t address this in the off-season?  I may report your general manager or legal guardian to social services.

Prescription: No changes necessary.  They’re still a young franchise and their underachievement could subside this season as they mature.  With their collection of talent, it’ll be a testament to nature vs. nature depending on how Greg Kubiak coaches this roster.

Indianapolis Colts

Colts recovering from a bout of Super Bowl disappointment which has side effects including an underwhelming regular season the next year and also, your current safety is too beat up.  He’s got the body of a 50 year old man and may have suffered a career ending injury.  You may have to undergo a complete Pro Bowl safety replacement.  We’ll place you on the free agency or draft donor list but there’s no guarantee your new artificial safety will perform as well as the old safety.  It’s a very extensive replacement process.  It also appears you’ve lost a trio of cornerbacks.  A porous secondary could leave your defenses susceptible to opposing passing attacks which can be fatal.

Prescription: I’m going to refer you to the Peyton Family Practice.  Their son Peyton has the cure for any team. Just follow his instructions and if anything goes wrong he’ll AIR lift you to victory.

Tennessee Titans
Let’s see their chart… OK… I see  the problem.  Vince Young’s decision making is still suspect for a quarterback of his age.  He may have a loose screw in his brain or he may be brain dead.  (Have you seen his Wonderlic score?) I’m sorry but if his decision making doesn’t improve this season, you may have to pull the plug on the Vince Young experiment.  I see on your chart that your running back’s contract went under the knife for microscopic surgery just last week.  Not bad.  His contract didn’t require a complete reconstruction but you still kept your running back happy and he’ll be ready for training camp.  Unfortunately, your receiving corps is underdeveloped.  Kenny Britt showed potential as a rookie last season, but  those numbers are not up to par for a playoff contender in a tough conference.

Prescription: I’m going to place you atop my Draft Receivers Donor List, however, it’s a crowded list, top flight college wide outs are limited, expensive and high maintenance. In addition recipients are chosen based on receiver type, draft order and urgency. Right now, the Rams, Bills, Browns, Bucs, Jaguars, and  Bears are ahead of you on our recipients list.  You might want to brace yourself for a rough season.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Patient suffers from frequent blackouts—in their local television market (the Jaguars play in the lowest capacity crowd percentage wise in the NFL).  This suggests a clinical case of apathy and poor attendance by home fans for a relatively competitive team year in and year out.  Also your defensive pressure isn’t as high as it should be.
Sounds like postural hypotension.  It occurs after a drop in blood pressure  occurs when a person moves from one position to a more vertical position.  The abrupt change in position causes a temporary reduction in blood flow and therefore a shortage of oxygen to the brain.  This leads to light headedness and”black out” episodes or a loss of consciousness.

Prescription: Relocate to Los Angeles.