Atlanta Falcons– The Georgia Dome inhabitants haven’t made the playoffs in consecutive years in their franchise’s history.  The fact that this franchise can’t seem to remember how to advance as far as they have in their previous seasons shows symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease.

Prescription: They’ve got the pieces to be contenders every year with Matt Ryan in the near future but  I will have to be keep you under observation for the next two seasons.

New Orleans Saints–  Last time I saw you, this team was being read it’s last rites.  Now look at you.  Your results from last season look great!  NFC South Champions, threatened to go undefeated, NFC Champions and the ultimate prize, the Lombardi Trophy.  I can’t find much wrong besides your lack of a marquee tailback and  at times your defense hemorrhages points.
There’s something else I want to talk about.  Ummm.. After your head coach’s last visit, I was missing some medication.  A cabinet full of Vicodin.   I may have to contact the authorities.

Prescription: Give defensive coordinator Gregg Williams a raise and keep him hidden when teams begin scouring the landscape for head coaches in January.  Oh and contact the authorities on his way out.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
– You had the worst rushing defense in the NFL last season.  Opponents rushed straight through the heart of the defense.  During April’s Draft, you underwent a three day procedure to plug the middle but we’ll take a wait and see approach with your rookie defensive tackles Brian Price and Gerald McCoy.  It also appears your offense may be anemic based on last year’s numbers.

Prescription: The Buccaneers are in critical condition and at best can be stabilized with a .500 season.

Carolina Panthers– This isn’t the same defensive line which John Fox rode to a Super Bowl in 2004.   Julius Peppers’ departure left a gaping hole in their defensive line, that is too deep for sutures to stitch close.   You also might want to get your “Steve Smith” checked.  The Giants Steve Smith is entering his prime. Yours is 31 years old, coming off a lackluster season and nursing a broken arm suffered playing flag football.  The chances of them surviving and making the playoffs this year are low.

Prescription: Hold onto hope for 2011.

Cincinnati Bengals–  From your ESPN Scan it appears you’ve recently contracted a player in T.O. whom most consider a locker room “cancer”.   It’s too early too determine whether he’ll be benign or malignant.   On the plus side, your passing attack just became more potent, however, your organization has a genetic inclination towards signing free agents with character issues that can infect the locker room.   They’re locker room chemistry has miraculously been immune to fear but they’re teetering on the brink.

Prescription: Keep a Hazmat Unit on standby and wash  hands of anyone who doesn’t get with the program as they chase Super Bowl expectations.

Baltimore Ravens
–  Ed Reed will be out of action for the first six weeks of the season and he nearly retired in the off-season.  It would be wise to start scouting a replacement.

Prescription: Pluck Ed Reed’s DNA, invest in stem cell research and grow his clone.

Pittsburgh Steelers
– Big Ben will be unable to take snaps under center for at least four weeks, which means you’ll have to intubate a temporary quarterback into the offense.

Remind Big Ben he is not a licensed  Ob/Gyn and not to take consultations at bars.

Cleveland Browns– This entire organization is on life support and doesn’t show many signs of improvement.  You’ve got a running back by committee operation, you lack a #1 receiver, a lackluster defense and your starting quarterback will give the city of Cleveland Monday morning insomnia over his gameday decisions.

Prescription: Don’t just hand the starting job to Jake Delhomme. Recently acquired backup Seneca Wallace may be the best quarterback for this team.

AFC South: